Michael is gone. That is a fact. I think all I’ve ever thought about through life or wanted from life is to be married to Michael. To grow old (older I guess) together. To have another 30 years of enjoying life, all our years of hard work, our grown children and one day grandchildren. This is the picture I’ve had in my mind for I can’t tell you how many years.
But the fact is my life isn’t going to look like that picture. Michael is gone. So now I wonder, “What do I want my life to look like?” “Who do I want to be?”
I’ve been thinking about what I want to be now that it’s just me. I hesitate, because I don’t want my kids and friends to think I don’t like what life was like with Michael. I do. But I don’t have that anymore. So, how do I want to go forward?
I want to be more fun. Michael was always the fun part of us. He was the one who laughed more, told stories more, teased and made up nicknames for people. And I was always the more serious one. I want to learn to be more fun. I want to lighten up and not always be so serious all the time. This is an area I really hate for my children, because they lost the fun parent. I want to be more fun for them.
I want to be more spontaneous. I’m a planner. And that’s a wonderful trait to have. But I want to be able to act in the moment more. I want to “get my purse” whenever the opportunity arises. I want to not overthink things and be more flexible. Maybe this goes along with being more fun.
I want to be more emotional. Not the crying all the time kind of emotional. But the live in the moment, feel what life brings, rejoice every day, and don’t think too hard about what everybody else will say, kind of emotional. I don’t want to hold back on tears and laughter and shouts of joy.
I want to be more devout. I want my faith to explode in its passion. I want to leap in faith first and re-think it all later. I want faith to be my first response, not my alternative. I want to feel Christ more deeply, pray with more fervor, confess without holding back, praise Him with knees bowed and hands up.
I want to love more. I want to love in a way that I’ve never loved before. And this is really huge for me because I love Michael like I’ve never loved anyone or anything and I don’t know how to love more than that. But I want to love even more than that. I want to love without reservation, without hesitation, without judgment, and expecting nothing in return. I want to love like God loves me.
How do you want to reinvent yourself?
Well Ginger that’s a hard one to answer. A lot of what you want to do is going to be hard. You have to rethink the way you are used to thinking. I personally think the way you were in you and Michaels’s relationship is what Michael liked best about you. Most men like to have someone holding down the fort while they go out and have the fun, friends and whatever else makes them happy. Our job in our marriage was to keep the ship afloat. The stable one, the one that put the h in home. Now you have to learn how to have all the fun as you like to call it. Fun can be anything that makes you happy. Little things do it for me. Not expensive trips or long cruses. Just knowing my kids are happy and I have a steady pay check to take care of my needs makes me happy. Knowing I can support myself without the need of leaning on anyone else makes me happy. Knowing yourself, by yourself, and without a partner is a leaning experience. It takes time. You were married at a young age like me and never really had a chance to be out on your own. Be careful though. Not everyone is out looking for your best interest. Some people like to take advantage of people in our situation. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. Hang in there it will come.
Awesome advice Connie. I look forward to us having some fun together!
Ginger,
I know if anyone can reinvent themself it will be you.
Take it one moment at a time and you will get where God plans you to be. I know that Michael will be guiding you to where you should be. Your beautiful family will help you along on this new journey.
Stay strong.
Ginger, I could have written this. Bob was the funny one, the more outgoing one, the person who made the kids laugh. I would like to be those things as well but it’s not going to be easy and I’m not sure it’s even possible. I pray I can find a middle ground that somehow comes naturally. It’s hard when you lose your “front man”. Your blog has proved to be very thought provoking and I thank you for sharing your feelings.
Ginger, just continue to be yourself. God made Michael the way He made him; and He made you the way He made you. Opposites attract–just like magnets. God doesn’t make mistakes. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your soul mate, and do it your way. BUT don’t try to change who you are. Michael loved you for who you are, and he wouldn’t want you to reinvent yourself. And neither do all the others who love you.
I think loss demands the inner journey. Finding who we are without someone we love is a tough place to be. The loss literally rips our insides apart…only Love can piece us back together. Ginger you are LOVED…I look forward to hearing your stories of discovery.