25 Days, 600 Hours


By the time today is over Michael will have been gone for 25 days, 600 hours.

During this time I have planned and attended the funeral and burial, looked over pictures, told and listened to thousands of stories, laughed and cried.  I have eaten too many home-cooked meals, gained 5 more pounds, resumed Pilates classes and my daily time on the treadmill.

I have read countless cards, emails, texts and letters.  I have had lunches and dinners with friends trying to keep me busy.

I have planned one trip out of town and have three others in the works.  I have gone to three movies and 1 concert (I tried to go to another but was just too teary to go).  I have watched more mindless TV than I have in the last 6 months.  I have tried to go back to reading, but can’t seem to concentrate on it enough.

I have written some posts and blog ideas and lots of thank-you notes and I’ve even been offered some opportunities to do some other writings.  I’ve been asked when I’ll go back to teaching Bible study classes many times, but still haven’t been able to come up with a good answer for the question.

I’ve avoided sitting in Michael’s chair because I can’t stand it and I’ve sat in Michael’s chair to find comfort; but I can’t bring myself to lay on his side of the bed.  I’ve emptied the medicine cabinet and vanity of all his medicines, but I can’t seem to touch his clothes, papers or the Hummer.

I’ve returned to the blood bank at the hospital, but don’t know when I’ll be able to return to the ICU.

I’ve gotten through a day or two with no tears and just when I think I’m making progress the flood returns.

I’ve prayed and been prayed for.

I’ve remembered.  And I’m already afraid of what all I’ve forgotten.

6 thoughts on “25 Days, 600 Hours”

  1. I will follow your blog, my sweet friend, because you are telling the truth about loss and grief and struggle…life as it really is…walking it all out with a big God beside and within. Love you!

  2. I can feel and understand where you are. I was there 7 years ago. Jerry and I were married 40 years. We worshipped together since 1976 and worked in the same tax business for 25 years. We raised our 2 children and they each have 2 teenagers. A lot if history. When he died 4 months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my life totally changed. My biggest question has been, who am I?
    I’m not his wife, his partner or his friend. So I started to think about who I wanted to be. I kept working but sold the business to the person working with us. No more risk or responsibility. I renovated my yard (pond, flowers etc) and our home. It’s exactly what I wanted. I didn’t have to get permission from anyone but The Lord. I went on a mission trip to India and came home having promised to care for 2 children with HIV. Within 1 year we were caring for 15 children with HIV and a few related adults with the disease. The next years we bought land and built an orphanage for them. In October of 2012 I went back to India and showed them their new home!! What a blessing!!! All I can say is that if jerry were still here I doubt if Kelly’s Children’s Home would be a reality.
    So here’s my message: you did not die!! You have much more life ahead of you. Trust The Lord. Lean on him. He’s got the plan.

    1. Kelly – I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You encourage me that somehow, at some point in the future, I will look back and see some good, some progress, some ministry that Michael and my kids can be proud of. I know God can take all our sorrows and trials and bring good out of them. You are an example of this. I thank God for the strength and courage he has given you.

  3. I hope they send “blog notices” to my e-mail so I’ll know when you post, Ginger. I shall look forward to reading as you move through this “afterwards” journey. “Before” is full of pictures and memories. However, “afterwards” is already planned, as you know. I will love reading how God opens each door and adventure. Meanwhile, I’ll “sit with you” from afar as you take care of the things which eventually you will do . . . clothes, papers, the house, work, more papers! This blog will help us know how to pray. Love you! Joy

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