I’ve been having a hard time lately. I don’t pray like I used to. I pray short prayers. Thank you’s and grace over meals. Quickly whispered requests for safety. But not long intense conversations with God.
I used to wake up every morning and say “Good morning God. Thank You for another day.” Now I wake up and say “Good morning God. Please tell Michael I love him and I miss him.”
My lips sing “Jesus I sing for all that you’ve done for me”. But my heart cries “Why didn’t You heal Michael?”
My lips sing “I lift my hands to believe again. You are my refuge, You are my strength. As I pour out my heart these things, I remember. You are faithful, God, forever.” But my heart cries, “Why wouldn’t You heal Michael?”
Today I went to church and heard an awesome teaching on prayer. On the way Jesus prayed and the way prayer is a conversation where we talk and we listen. On how prayer is wrestling with God to a resolution. Well, I’m still wrestling. I can’t seem to get to resolution. There’s too much I don’t understand. I don’t understand why God didn’t heal Michael. I don’t understand why all the things he planned to do won’t get done now. I can’t believe he’s really gone. I can’t believe I’ll never hear his voice. I don’t understand why there’ll be no more holidays with him. Why he’ll never know grandchildren. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep doing things that I was only able to do because of his encouragement. I am wrestling. I am wrestling with God. And it’s a battle I know I cannot win because He is greater and more powerful and I know that in the end I will just have to accept that this is where He has brought me. But right now I’m not going down without a fight. I am wrestling. And so far I have no resolution.