I’ve noticed a pattern in recent months.  When I see folks, whether it be old friends or new, you share the first few words and then inevitably they lean in and say, “How are you doing?”  (Relax, this isn’t another rant about the things people say to me.)  My pattern of response is usually, “I’m ok.”  I know this may not seem like much to you, but when I say “I’m ok”, I haven’t been saying it with any enthusiasm, but rather more of a resignation.  (Ok, so maybe this is a rant about what I say to other people.)

Well, no more. Because I’m not ok.

I’m GOOD!  I’ve been dragging through these last few months falling into a dangerous pattern.  I’m not just ok.  I’m good!  I’m tired of short-changing God by just being ok.  I have awakened every day and most of my body parts work without too much aching.  I have a great house to live in, a car in the garage, places to go and friends to go with me (most of the time).  My kids are all healthy and pursuing their dreams.  I can walk three miles on the treadmill, do 20 push-ups and hold plank for 90 seconds.  My mind still works most of the time and I laugh more than I cry.

More importantly God loves me and still has work for me to do.  I’m not sure exactly what His plan looks like, but I have a few ideas and the rest He’ll fill me in on when He decides I need to know.  I’m beginning to feel a call back into some of the things I was involved in before I became Michael’s caregiver; but I’m leaving the timing and details of that to God.

No more being ok.  No more being resigned to what my life looks like right know, because my life looks pretty darn good.  No more dragging around being ok.  I prefer to waltz around being good.  I’m under no misconception that every day will bring sunshine and gumdrops.  But I’ve survived for nine months of what I thought was the worst thing that could ever happen.  And even though I’ve sometimes pushed Him away, God’s never left my side or stopped loving me.  As my devotional read a few days ago – His love is not dependent on my performance; they are two different things.  Praise God!

Disclaimer:  Writer reserves the right to have an occasional pity party, limited to brief spans and decreasing in frequency.  Writer also acknowledges that tears are a more prevailing part of her life, whether they be induced by joy, sadness, sentiment or hormones.  And finally, writer concedes that her heart has a break which will leave a scar for as long as she is earth-bound, also knowing that this and all things shall find their definitive healing in heaven.

Come out of sadness from wherever you’ve been                                         Come broken hearted let rescue begin                                                               Come find your mercy, oh sinner come kneel                                                  Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal                                                     Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal                                                                                                                                                                              –David Crowder