I can’t remember how many times I had this talk with God over the years. Sometimes I would be driving around by myself or listening to music. So many times I can remember telling God I was willing to be used by Him and to serve him. But I just asked Him not to take Michael away from me. I always felt like I could do anything He asked as long as Michael and I were doing it together. And so many times during that conversation I’d think, “You know this is just what God will do. He’ll take Michael away because you depend too much on him, rather than on God.” Nonetheless, I would ask God to show us whatever He wanted us to do, but leave us together.
Michael and I loved our life together. We loved serving God. We loved growing with people and using what God had given us to help other people in their lives. We loved being able to share our faith, our struggles, our triumphs, our finances. We looked forward to using the farm to feed people who couldn’t afford fresh food. We wanted to build some small retreat cabins for church staff to have a quiet place to retreat and refresh. We thought there would be so many other things for us to do to serve God together.
So these days I find myself feeling betrayed. I feel betrayed that God wouldn’t allow us to continue together. I feel betrayed that we tried to minister and serve together, yet God took Michael away. I feel betrayed that the one thing I asked God not to do, He did – or at least He allowed it to happen. God forgive me, I feel betrayed.
In church I hear and sing words about God’s love and His mercy. And my head knows the words are true, but my heart just cries with this feeling of loss and betrayal. Everyone around me seems to be able to sing the words and mean them, but to me the words just hurt. God forgive me, I feel betrayed.
Not long ago I read where someone said, “Don’t trade what you don’t know for what you do know.” So in the midst of these feelings, this is what I try to do. While I feel betrayed, I know that God has not betrayed me because God cannot betray me. I am still His child and He still loves me even though I do not understand why He has let this happen. I know He has not betrayed me because I know that His word is true and His word says that He loves me with an unending, unconditional love. I know He has not betrayed me because it is impossible for Him to break His promises to me to never leave me or forsake me. I know He has not betrayed me because the grace He has poured into my life has allowed me to put one foot in front of the other these last months to do what needs to be done. I know He has not betrayed me because of the love of my children, family and friends which warms me and comforts me in my loneliness and grief.
God forgive me when I feel betrayed and keep me from believing that it’s true.