I can’t recount how many times in years past I would have this recurring conversation with God. Sometimes when Michael was off working or when I was driving alone in the car. For some reason I have for many years felt that I would one day be a widow. (Now I’m not sure if that was prophetic or an overactive imagination – though recently it seems it may have been the former rather than the latter.)
In this recurring conversation I would usually find myself near tears begging God not to take Michael away from me. Trying to explain to Him how much I needed him. I remember thinking every time how I shouldn’t be so dependent on Michael, but should be more dependent on God. I knew that many times my focus was more on my earthly husband than on my heavenly Father. And I knew this was an area of my life that needed work. Interestingly, Michael always told me how much he depended on me. Occasionally he would take off to the farm and decide to stay overnight to get more done. But always that night, and then again when he would get home, he would say how much he hated to be away. “Why did I stay overnight when I just want to be with my dear,” he would say. He was always the strong one, the leader, the one who knew what direction we were heading to. Yet so often he would tell me how there was no way I could understand how much he loved me and needed me.
I tried often to tell him that it was me who depended on him. Not just physically or financially, but even more so emotionally and for support and encouragement. Anytime I would try to tell him these things he would just smile and shake his head. “You’ll be fine if I’m gone. You’ll be just fine,” he’d say. Somehow he couldn’t accept that I could be so dependent on him, could need him so much.
So here I am. That horrible recurring conversation has come to pass. (Now don’t jump to any conclusions on me – I’m not saying I believe God took Michael to make me more dependent on Him.) I no longer have Michael to depend upon. I have my wonderful children and my awesome family and friends. But more than ever I have to learn to live in dependence on God. I’ve known this was true for decades. I’ve even practiced it to a certain extent in my life. But now I’m having to bring it to a whole new level. Why is this so hard? After all, He’s the creator of all there is. He’s the one who loves me more than anyone else, including Michael. He’s the one who has gone to extremes to pursue me so that I can be His – to know and enjoy His perfect and unconditional love and acceptance regardless of my performance. This should be the easiest thing I’ve ever done.
This is a huge stretch of my faith. To go to places of faith I’ve never gone before. To reach with arms and hands of faith for things I’ve never done before. To walk in shoes of faith that sometime hurt my feet and rub blisters because they are new and tight and haven’t been broken in yet. To live completely in dependence on Him. Hopefully soon the movements will come more easily, more habitually rather than something that I have to so consciously will myself to do.
Join me in dependence on rather than of God’s direction and desire for your life. Thanks for reading along.