Yesterday I had to take my daughter to the Emergency Room. She’s 22 weeks pregnant and was in severe pain. It started out simply enough with some pain on her left side but within an hour it had become severe with no signs of relief. As with any pregnancy of course you exercise an abundance of caution so we headed to the hospital to be sure she and the baby were both ok.
But as we made the trip and then made our way through triage and a battery of tests, I found myself having a particular conversation with God. It went like this: “NO! NO! NO! NO! DON’T YOU DARE DO THIS! DON’T YOU DARE LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY GIRL OR MY GRANDSON! DON’T YOU DARE HURT THEM! AND IF YOU’RE NOT DOING THIS THEN YOU START PREVENTING IT!” This actually was no conversation but a screaming rant inside my head.
Several hours later, when the situation was under control and things had calmed down a bit, I began to realize what I had done. How dare I speak to God this way? How dare I yell at Him and accuse Him and order Him to do things? Who in the world did I think I was to speak to Almighty God in this way? My heart was crushed that I had behaved this way, even if just in my mind. “Oh God, forgive me, I begged.” How could He not be angry with me, resent me and want to turn His back on me for the way I’d treated Him?
As I prayed over this confession, He reminded me that I am His child. And I know if any of my children had spoken to me this way I would be more hurt, than angry or resentful toward them. And I would never abandon them. If I can have these feelings toward my own children, how much more can God, my Father, love, understand and forgive me. He knows that the words spoken in anger were the result of hurt and fear. God reminded me that He loves me no matter what – even when I speak terrible words to Him. He reassured me nothing I do can drive Him away from me – even when I accuse Him of not caring.
Today my daughter is feeling much better and is on her way home. As she leaves I ask God to take care of her and protect her. This same God whom I scorned yesterday, today I have the nerve to ask for well-being for my family. And yet I know I can. I know He bids me to come to Him, to rest in Him, to find forgiveness and peace in Him.
May you know Him like I know Him.