I’ve read about and been told about the five stages of grief.  Apparently these stages are universal and experienced by people from all walks of life.  They are usually listed as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My own experience tells me that I move back and forth through these stages, in not necessarily the above order and for various and indeterminate periods of time.

But there’s another stage that no one seems to mention.  For me it is the stage of longing.  You can read lots of books and articles on the other stages, but nobody tells you about the longing.   Right now I’m stuck, rooted in a stage of longing.  I’m longing for all those things that I had when I was his wife.  And it’s more than just a wish.  It’s a physical ache.  I long to feel his arms around me.  And I long for the sweet kisses and tender words that married couples share.  (Geez, I’m beginning to sound like a country song.)

I don’t know if the longing started in my heart first and then spread to my thoughts.  Or did it start in my mind and overflow to my heart?  I just know that my recent days have been preoccupied with this longing.  I don’t know if others that have lost their spouse feel this way too.  (Or perhaps even those who have separated or divorced.)  I only know what I’m going through.

I know God promises to provide all I need.  And I know I’ve trusted Him for safety and finances and my kids and my eternity. So I suppose I’ll trust Him with this too.  But this feels like a really big one to trust Him with.   I keep praying, asking Him to take it away from my mind and my obsessive thoughts.  I don’t know if this is another stage to move through, or if this is what my life will now look like.  I can’t imagine feeling like this always, but I can’t imagine anything ever making this longing go away.

PS – By now I’m sure my kids (and probably a few friends) are quite embarrassed by this post.  Sorry guys, this is who your mother is.