I’ve been having a hard time lately.  I don’t pray like I used to.  I pray short prayers.  Thank you’s and grace over meals.  Quickly whispered requests for safety.  But not long intense conversations with God.

I used to wake up every morning and say “Good morning God. Thank You for another day.”  Now I wake up and say “Good morning God. Please tell Michael I love him and I miss him.”

My lips sing “Jesus I sing for all that you’ve done for me”.  But my heart cries “Why didn’t You heal Michael?”

My lips sing “I lift my hands to believe again.  You are my refuge, You are my strength.  As I pour out my heart these things, I remember. You are faithful, God, forever.” But my heart cries, “Why wouldn’t You heal Michael?”

Today I went to church and heard an awesome teaching on prayer. On the way Jesus prayed and the way prayer is a conversation where we talk and we listen.  On how prayer is wrestling with God to a resolution.  Well, I’m still wrestling.  I can’t seem to get to resolution.  There’s too much I don’t understand.  I don’t understand why God didn’t heal Michael.  I don’t understand why all the things he planned to do won’t get done now.  I can’t believe he’s really gone.  I can’t believe I’ll never hear his voice.  I don’t understand why there’ll be no more holidays with him.  Why he’ll never know grandchildren.  I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep doing things that I was only able to do because of his encouragement.  I am wrestling.  I am wrestling with God.  And it’s a battle I know I cannot win because He is greater and more powerful and I know that in the end I will just have to accept that this is where He has brought me. But right now I’m not going down without a fight.  I am wrestling.  And so far I have no resolution.

7 thoughts on “Wrestling”

  1. You are doing great to be in the match. Way too early to expect resolution. Love & prayers my fellow sojourner.

  2. Ginger, I am so thankful you have God to wrestle this out with. He will not leave you in your fight. Of this I am sure. So wrestle on, until you are spent. He is patient and will wait for as long as it takes you.

  3. I lost my wife of 26 years. I finally had to go with a quote from, of all people the Marx Brothers. Chico asks Groucho at one point, “Who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes?” I decided to believe G-d. Why did He take my wife or your husband? I don’t know. Why not heal? I don’t know. But I do know I trust Him more than I lean on my own understanding. But I am not trying to tell you how or what to feel, just what I concluded.

  4. I thank God for you and Mike. I have not yet had to walk in your foot steps, but I appreciate your openness and I grieve for your loss. It truly brings me to tears. All I can do is pray for God’s strength. Like you I do not understand.

  5. Ginger, I know your sadness and pain. Eddie and I with two others had just started a benevolence kitchen at our church and then “B00M” the bomb of death hit. I couldn’t figure it out either. Why now, why when we were ministering. It’s almost 14 years now, Eddie is always in my mind, missing him, loving him and still wrestling with God but not as forceful as in the beginning. Time will pass and things will get easier, I promise,
    just as our Lord promises. I encourage you to continually pray, as that is the only thing that has comforted me. Love you, Linda

  6. I’ve been in a very hard place in my own life. It is not the same situation as you and nothing could even come close, nevertheless I have had to deal with a variety of emotions and tough situations. My good friend Jennifer shared these words with me a few weeks ago, “This new season you are in may bring a different season of communication with God. Wrestle with it. Don’t be routine and press into His heart because it’s worth contending for.” I just wanted to pass it on to you what has helped me.

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