Michael is gone. That is a fact. I think all I’ve ever thought about through life or wanted from life is to be married to Michael. To grow old (older I guess) together. To have another 30 years of enjoying life, all our years of hard work, our grown children and one day grandchildren. This is the picture I’ve had in my mind for I can’t tell you how many years.
But the fact is my life isn’t going to look like that picture. Michael is gone. So now I wonder, “What do I want my life to look like?” “Who do I want to be?”
I’ve been thinking about what I want to be now that it’s just me. I hesitate, because I don’t want my kids and friends to think I don’t like what life was like with Michael. I do. But I don’t have that anymore. So, how do I want to go forward?
I want to be more fun. Michael was always the fun part of us. He was the one who laughed more, told stories more, teased and made up nicknames for people. And I was always the more serious one. I want to learn to be more fun. I want to lighten up and not always be so serious all the time. This is an area I really hate for my children, because they lost the fun parent. I want to be more fun for them.
I want to be more spontaneous. I’m a planner. And that’s a wonderful trait to have. But I want to be able to act in the moment more. I want to “get my purse” whenever the opportunity arises. I want to not overthink things and be more flexible. Maybe this goes along with being more fun.
I want to be more emotional. Not the crying all the time kind of emotional. But the live in the moment, feel what life brings, rejoice every day, and don’t think too hard about what everybody else will say, kind of emotional. I don’t want to hold back on tears and laughter and shouts of joy.
I want to be more devout. I want my faith to explode in its passion. I want to leap in faith first and re-think it all later. I want faith to be my first response, not my alternative. I want to feel Christ more deeply, pray with more fervor, confess without holding back, praise Him with knees bowed and hands up.
I want to love more. I want to love in a way that I’ve never loved before. And this is really huge for me because I love Michael like I’ve never loved anyone or anything and I don’t know how to love more than that. But I want to love even more than that. I want to love without reservation, without hesitation, without judgment, and expecting nothing in return. I want to love like God loves me.
How do you want to reinvent yourself?